Friday, January 15, 2010

A Twisted Path

I made muffins the other day. I used to make them all the time and I was quite good at it. I would make various flavors and put in only a little sugar and lots of extras to make them healthy snacks. I've even thought off and on over the years of opening a bakery or selling them wholesale. I never really seriously expected to though; partly because I couldn't bear the idea of getting up a 3 a.m. to have fresh things ready in the morning. Also, I never really had the right connections. My younger sister has a commercial kitchen in her house and supplies desserts for her friend's business. Her house smells so good when those thousands of brownies are baking. (she jogs and is very fit, never eating her wares).

I had a friend here who once asked me if I wanted to go into a pie-making business. I make very good pies and so does she. The idea was to make them with organic and locally grown ingredients, and supply them to a restaurant that specialized in that kind of food. It never happened but I suppose it still could. There was a place in Santa Cruz, when I lived there. They served hippie style Mexican food and had the best peach pie with a whole wheat crust! I would model my pies off of that - if I ever did it.

The point is, even though I have always had the creative, scheming, organizing, inspired kind of mind, I don't have the nerve or the business aptitude to play it out. I don't even have the nerve to seek out someone with business skills to help me. I don't know if it is because of my personality (I tend to be quiet and slow going), or if it because of my upbringing. Maybe I was taught to stick with a tried and true course of career action. Maybe I picked up my parents' tendency to worry and doubt. Either way, I don't have the confidence or the drive to plow ahead through things.

I have come to terms with the kind of person I am though. When I look back at my life so far, I have to admit that I have accomplished a lot. I probably did most of it in a circuitous, inefficient way, but who is to say what is really best. Luckily, today, we have a much more open cultural understanding of personality and learning styles. The basic paradigm is still very rational and conformist, but there is an openness to diversity and flexibility.

One of my New Year's resolutions is to try to work on my personal growth. I hate the idea of stopping half way through life and just stewing in one's past until the inevitable death and decay. I think it is only logical to expect to keep growing and transforming . I want to keep my physical body strong (that is actually the easiest part). I want to develop better self-understanding through working on improving my moods, relationships and routines. I want to get rid of some old reactionary feelings, hangups, and behaviors.

Why should we have to be slaves to negative and ineffective thought processes? Just like in addiction treatment, awareness is the first step towards change. I am hoping that if I work on myself, I will grow and get stronger and be open to new challenges, adventures and accomplishments. I still have a list of ideas. Maybe one of them will turn into a big success, or maybe there is something out in the universe that I have no idea about yet but that is waiting for me...

The photos are all from our family trips to England, Princeton, and Marquette, Michigan. Obviously, I like the theme of paths and passageways.

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